Inane Ramblings of the Insane

Fuck

2012-01-19T14:16:00.000-08:00

I realized that when I post my stuff I tend to post it all at once. And then I remembered that no one reads this shit so it doesn't really matter. I just ramble because I can. This is my bitch-fest. This is where I blabber on about how much my life sucks even though I know that other people are suffering worse than I am but I think that my life sucks just because I cna't seem to really think about other people because I'm a selfish BITCH! Fuck my life! I need to learn how to shut up. I need to learn to stop being so angry... so hurtful... FUCK!!!!!!! someone kill me now.... put me out of this misery... put yourself out of this god awful pain that hasn't been warrented in the slightest. fuck.......

Consumed

2012-01-16T07:11:00.001-08:00

Consumed

I love the soft touch of his hands.

I love the deep burning in his eyes

Matching the flames in my heart.

I love the warmth of his body

On those cool summer nights.

I love the dark freckles on his face

His arms

His lips.

Oh his lips…

Their heated touch on my skin

Sets me on fire.

The strength of his arms

Pushed my heart into overdrive.

My mind clears

My blood races.

I yearn just to hold his hand.

The two of us…

Together as one…

I love him.

Everything and anything he does.

I can’t live without him.

I don’t want to try.

I just want him

All of him

Forever.

Where I'm From

2012-01-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

Where I’m From…

I am from change.

From the city smog,

From the scorching desert,

From the mountainous air.

I am from the loud.

I am from the quiet.

From the painful fights,

From forgiving when I can

Forgetting when I can’t.

I’m from finding love

In the strangest of ways.

From meeting the strangest of people.

From being shaped and molded

Into the person I am today.

I am from the best of friends.

From the moments and memories

In Chelsea’s car at lunch.

From dancing to Space Jam,

From laughing uncontrollably,

From sugar and Mountain Dew.

I’m from the loving moments

From the not-so-loving moments.

I am from seeing the pain in drugs

From the anger in alcohol.

I’m from fighting my way through,

From staying strong when

All I want to do is cry.

I’m from the trailer.

From the apartment

From the house.

I’m from not enough money

And hand-me-down toys.

I’m from drowning in music.

From the Beatles and Eminem.

From Nelson and Goldfinger.

I’m from diversity.

All in all

I’m from keeping an open mind.

From learning all I can.

I’m from making the very best of life

In this crazy mixed up world.

April Storm

2012-01-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

April Storm

Creatures scatter and run,

Taking shelter in their quiet homes.

They prepare for the April Storm.

They prepare for the show.

Rain falls like tears of angels,

Washing the world clean of pain.

The thunder clashes like a giant bass drum,

Giving a steady beat to life.

Lightning streaks across the sky,

A fireworks show for the critters below.

The wind “oohs” and “ahs,” trees

Start into a round of applause.

And then the main attraction

Comes to play.

The symphony of spring

Starts with a crash. Flowers bow

To the band, shrubs whisper their praise.

The wind whistles, the trees sway

To the rhythm. The drum beats louder

And faster. The fireworks gain

Momentum. Then, the grand finale.

Lightning strikes, sparks fly.

The earth trembles, and the rains recede.

The applause grows… and dies.

Creatures return from their homes,

Taking in the fresh musky scent.

Life has been cleansed once more

By the mighty April Storm.

Winter Moon

2012-01-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

Winter Moon

Oh Winter Moon,

Hidden behind blackened clouds,

What secrets do you keep from me?

What ails you when you sigh,

Your cold breath blowing gently

Through the deadened trees?

I see your faint glow,

The haunted curvature

Of the forlorn Witch’s Nail.

My heart aches for you.

Alone in the deep blue sky

Is where you forever stay,

Beholding the gifts nature brings.

You see all, like the knowing eye

Of the all-mighty Creator.

You’re sly smile does naught to hide

The wonders of your mind.

Oh Winter Moon,

Hidden behind blackened clouds,

What secrets do you keep from me?

Crazy...

2012-01-07T07:53:00.001-08:00

Have you ever gone crazy before? Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw someone else staring back at you? Have you ever sat in the dark and felt the claws of your monsters tearing into your flesh, only to realize that it’s your own nails biting into you? Have you ever reached out into the air hoping someone, anyone would hold your hand? Have you ever welcomed Death with a gracious smile only to find that Fate is a bitch and won’t let you get off that easy? Have you ever gone crazy before? Because I have. And I have yet to come back.

Just Shut Up

2012-01-07T07:52:00.001-08:00

You, my friend, are in what most call the “honeymoon phase.” You’re super happy and lovey dovey and all around ecstatic about your relationship. But that will fade and soon you’ll be fighting and making each other cry. You’ll say things to hurt them just because you like that glint of pain in their eyes. But then you realize that you are a fucking asshole and you’ll feel like shit because they are everything to you and they deserve so much better. Why on earth would you do something to hurt them? Then they lash back at you and soon both of you are sitting in an angry silence because you disgust yourself and you can’t seem to think that you deserve to even talk to them. You punish yourself by not being around them and not talking to them and you don’t realize the kinds of pain both of you are needlessly going through.

The only reason you’re with them is because you know that you love them… and miraculously they love you back. You know that the pain of being without them is far greater than the pain their words give you. You remember that they are your reason and you are theirs. A love like that can’t be broken with some stupid words dished out because you were too busy being angry at life and yourself to care what you were saying. So you stay by their side. You push the pain away and sacrifice your entire being to them, because that is the meaning of life and of love. And no one can take that away from you.

Breaking Free

2011-12-18T17:52:00.001-08:00

I look over the side of the cliff and shake my head. I don’t know what I’m doing here. This isn’t where I had planned to end up. I’m not ready to make this choice. I’m too young to decide my fate. The voices of my past ride on the wind. They tell me I’m wrong. They tell me I’m throwing everything away. But this is supposed to make me happy, right? This is where we’re all supposed to go?

No. I’m not ready. I take a step back from the edge, but the rock crumbles. I fall off the cliff but catch onto the rim with one hand. My other hand reaches towards the black abyss for mere seconds before it joins the other, holding my weight as I hang on tightly to what the world tells me. I don’t want to let go of what the world tells me is true. I’m afraid of what lies below this small ledge. It’s a vast darkness. A deep unknown.

I look back to the others I had once believed. They sneered at me for even thinking of taking this chance. But that isn’t right… they’re my friends aren’t they? Shouldn’t they be there for me no matter what? All I’ve known is stress and pain in this life. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it. Well, here goes nothing.

I take a slow breath and let go. I fall into the strangely familiar hole, the air caressing me with its cool fingers. I am finally giving m life to this one random chance. There is no going back. Darkness surrounds me, my hair whips back in the wind. Fear begins to creep into my system.

Suddenly, it’s all gone. I’m bathed in light. His never wavering, always forgiving love fills me. I look; around and see a path before me. It’s unlike any path before. The trail is smooth, well lain out, planned just for me. Other paths before have led me astray. They were laden with rocks, dips, and always caused me to stumble. Not this one.

I smile softly and step forward. My life, my trust, my love is now His. No more pain. No more sorrow. Only a never ending peace. My other life is behind me, forgotten and forgiven. Time to start anew.

The Ballad of Emmaline Pierce

2011-08-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

1)She was born into a peaceful life,

She was held and loved most every day.

She knew the love of a father’s touch,

She nearly had her every way.

5)But then one quiet August night,

Her lovely life turned upside-down.

Her precious mother’s heart did stop,

A death in an English town.

With her mother’s life now gone forever,

10)Emmaline’s father began to mourn.

He went to the pub ‘bout every night

And returned in the early morn.

The burning breath of alcohol,

The choking stench of smoke

15)Surrounded Emmy and the house

Whene’er her father woke.

The love she’d known was now gone,

Replaced by fear and pain.

Poor Emmaline, she still stood strong,

20)Though her tears still fell like rain.

Then came the day the walls broke down.

She could not take it anymore.

Her father chased her to her room,

She slammed and locked the door.

25)His drunken voice, it filled her head,

She cried and covered her ears.

She made a plan to escape the pain,

She was done with all her fears.

In the heat of that summer night

30)Emmy quietly packed her things.

She quickly made her way outside,

And felt as though she had wings.

As she boarded the midnight bus

She heard a lovely sound.

35)Near the back, a boy and guitar

Played for everyone around.

She slowly walked in his direction.

She watched his fingers go to work.

He moved like a dream she’d forgotten

40)Back before her heart was broke.

He looked at her, he smiled softly

The smile cut through like broken glass.

His Irish brogue stopped her breath and

He said, “Where ye from little lass?”

45) “It don’ matter where I come from,”

She said in a voice so sweet.

“It only matters where I’m goin’.

Just me and my two worn feet.”

She looked at the man and he at her,

50) Something sparked between the two.

It seemed like love at first sight

On the midnight bus to Liverpool.

Lonely Girl

2011-06-15T20:35:00.001-07:00

Lonely girl,

Lost in the flood lights they call life,

You don't know where you're going.

You don't know how to get there.

All you know is what you're told.

You long for something new.

You yearn for someone to

Knock you out of the light.

All your life you've been blind.

Now, it’s time to see.

Why?

2011-06-15T20:27:00.001-07:00

What have I become when my past 'friends' don't even acknowledge me anymore? What did I do to deserve to be ignored? I don't expect conversations. I stopped expecting those a long time ago. But I simple 'hello' or wave would be most welcome. They could at least wave back or smile at me when I see them... I'm afraid I’ve fallen into an ungodly state of loneliness and I don't know how to come back. After so much pain from people I once loved, i have forgotten how to love. Matt tries to pull me back but I only sink deeper. Is this what I’ve grown accustomed to? Wallowing in this damned self-hatred? I only ask for an old friend to come back. I only ask for forgiveness from those who believe me to have done them wrong. Please. Don't let me stay in my oblivious depression. Hold onto who I was. Try to bring her back. I miss her.

Unforseen

2011-06-07T13:50:00.001-07:00

Darkness slowly fell over the forest. Soft footsteps padded through the trees. Glowing yellow eyes shone out of the black night. A dark graceful form stepped out of the bushes. It slowly walked into a pool of light. Thick ebony fur glistened as muscles ripples. Large ears carefully listening to the night around him, the wolf walked over to the bubbling stream.

In the pale moonlight, he studied his reflection. Gleaming white fangs seemed to glow in the night as he smiled slightly. Crouching slowly, his long dark muzzle touched the water. His soft ears twitched as he lapped the cool liquid in silence.

Footsteps suddenly broke the quiet of the night.

A rustling to the left caused him to tense. A young girl stumbled out from the trees,

falling to her hands and knees. A deep rumbling rolled through his chest and her head snapped up at the sound. Terror coursed through her veins and screamed at her to move but she was frozen, trapped by his bright yellow eyes.

The wolf’s red tongue slashed out across his teeth as though he could taste the fear radiating from her. His ears twitched as he listened to her frantic heartbeat. Hackles raised, he slowly paced over the young girl, taking in her appearance.

She wore faded blue jeans and a torn, ragged red tee shirt. Her hair was a wild nest of tangles and had a few stray leaves and twigs caught in it. Dirt covered from head to toe. As he circled her, growling deeply, she started breathing faster and quivered with fear. This only enticed the wolf more and he stopped circling to look at the girl more fully.

Almost defiantly, her deep green eyes bore into his. Faltering, the wolf stopped growling. He cocked his head to one side before stepping back to his original position and crouching down to drink once more.

He heard the girl let out a breath of air and whisper softly, though what she said, he did not understand. Then, she had her own taste of the clear water and vanished once again into the trees, leaving the wolf to his own thoughts.

Facing the Inevitable

2011-06-07T13:49:00.001-07:00

Shining forest green eyes pierce my heart. Thick ebony fur bristles and a deep warning growl vibrates from the animal’s chest. I step closer still. The growl increases in volume and his lips pull back to reveal gleaming white teeth and a blood red tongue lashes across them as if tasting my preordained death.

My mind screams at me to run but my body’s only response is to step closer. I know it doesn’t make sense but I feel no fear, even as the blood lust settles into the creature’s eyes. The wolf’s muscles tense as he prepares to spring and I close my eyes. With one last step, I move forward to finally end all the pain.

The Worst Prison of All

2011-06-03T07:53:00.002-07:00

There are no walls.

There are no chains.

No boundaries or

Physical restraints.

No one holds her back.

No one cares either way.

And yet there is something

That keeps her hidden.

She is trapped, bound

Inside her very own mind.

The confines don’t exist.

She only thinks they do.

She tries to escape

But it only engulfs her further.

They try to pull her back.

They tell her they love her.

He says he wants her heart.

But she can’t pull out…

A metaphor to drown all truth.

She’s imprisoned inside her mind.

This One's for the Janitors

2011-06-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

I have a story behind this one if ya'll would be interested.

I feel for you.

I really do.

You have to clean up after

All those high school students.

They don’t care about the mess.

They didn’t think about

Who it would affect.

They only think of themselves.

Time and time again,

You pick up their trash

And wash off the windows.

You do your best

And they don’t care.

Did they think about you

As they graffitied that wall?

No.

They pass you over.

They don’t even know who you are.

Who are they to do that?

Who are they to cause trouble?

They are nobody.

To the high school janitor

Scrubbing paint off the wall,

I know who you are.

And I apologize.

Just a little preview

2011-06-03T07:34:00.000-07:00

This is actually the opening to my book. I have yet to title it so don't ask. I am hoping that I'll be looking for plublishers by the end of the month. Give me you're honest opinion on this. Do you like it?

Wind blew through Kari Jakobson’s short purple hair as she ran, whipping it back and forth over her pale face. Trees flew by and time seemed to stand still. Campers sat around bright orange fires, oblivious as her sleek form flashed past in the dark night. Sweat beaded on her skin, her heart pounded in her chest, and her bones had begun to ache. It was almost time. The cool scent of water reached her and she stopped at a slowly drifting river. Shivers crawled up her spine and the sweet pain kicked in.

The air sounded with pops and cracks as Kari’s bones broke and reformed, distorting her slender figure for a split second. Kari laughed with pleasure as fur sprouted from every pour on her skin. The laugh slowly turned into a rasp and a growl ripped its way up from her chest. Her gums tingled as her teeth lengthened and sharpened. She threw back her head and howled at the moon, sharing her joy with the world.

The massive wolf stretched out her lean body, the transformation now complete. Thick ebony fur covered her muscular frame. Glowing sapphire eyes radiated pure bliss as she turned back towards the forest and ran, enjoying her freedom.

As Kari weaved between the thick trees, she caught a familiar scent. The musky aftershave was one she would never forget. Taking a sharp left, towards the smell, she slowed to a jog.

Soon enough, she came upon a small campsite. A black tent stood five feet from a steady fire and a young man at on a tree stump next to it. Kari stopped moving, her mouth salivating slightly but not from hunger.

The boy’s black hair hung down just below his ears in a messy style. The thick locks hung over his face and sea-green eyes watched the flames. Jarrod Pierce. He was the new kid in school and Kari had instantly fallen for him. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the gorgeous eyes, the tanned muscles, or the heart melting smile. All she knew was that he was a hunk.

An untimely whimper escaped from her jaws and Jarrod’s head whipped towards the sound. His eyes locked on her massive shape in the trees and a wary look crossed his face. He didn’t know what was out there but he knew it was huge. Grabbing his dad’s rifle out of the tent, he slowly walked in Kari’s direction.

She knew she should have been running but she was locked in place. Jarrod pushed aside the brush and stopped in his tracks. He was face to face with the biggest wolf he had ever seen. He couldn’t look away from the eyes; eyes no normal wolf should have. The sapphire color jogged his memory but he couldn’t place it. Kari stepped backwards and broke the spell.

Jarrod gasped and fell to the ground as she jumped in the air, clearing both him and the fire five feet behind him. Without a glance backwards, she ran from the place. She knew she shouldn’t have let him see her but, for the first time, he had seen her.

Broken

2011-06-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

Lyndsy forces her eyes from her forearms and looks at the girl before her. She doesn’t even know who she is anymore. Dark circles surround the girl’s bloodshot eyes. Her plain brown hair is a mess of knots. Just looking at her repulses Lyndsy. She’s so stupid, so ugly, and so completely and utterly useless. The clothes she wears do nothing to hide that ghastly body of hers. Red drips off her fingers as blood oozes from the fresh cuts. Waves of emotions wash over Lyndsy’s mind. Sadness, despair, and jealousy course through her body, only to disappear the next second, pushed out of the way by anger. She grits her teeth and reaches for the nearest object, her bloodied knife. Using all her strength, she hurls it at the girl before before. The blade strikes true and sticks in the wall. Glass cracks and falls to the floor, taking the image with it. Tears flow down Lyndsy’s face. She falls to the ground, sinking slowly into oblivion.

Summer Storm

2011-06-02T09:19:00.001-07:00

The clash of thunder,

The flash of lightning,

The sweet sorrowful sound

Of rain pouring down.

The joy I feel,

The shiver of excitement

With each roar.

The beating of my heart

Matching the pounding of the rain.

I close my eyes in anticipation,

Smile at the sky,

And feel all my worries and fears

Wash down the storm drain.

A1*18

2011-06-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

“Ha-ha. Steak sauce 18.”

I remember the first time

I said that to you.

The van rumbled down the road.

Tavis bragged about the band.

Momo and I made fun of you both.

You shook your head and made

That adorable angry face.

“A1. Not steak sauce,”

You replied. I laughed.

Ever since then, I’ve

Teased you about everything.

I know it embarrasses you.

But I love the pink flush

That spreads beneath your freckles.

I adore the angry twinkle

In your hazel eyes.

It’s the one that lets me know

You instantly forgive me.

I will tease you for the rest of our lives

About being “ambidextrous”

And being able to stretch really far.

I’ll tease you for the way you squeak

When you laugh really hard

And I know you’ll let me.

That’s what friends are for.

Renewal

2011-06-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

A shuddering breath,

Another tear,

Another tremor.

Pain explodes within her.

Will these gaps ever be healed?

Will she ever be whole again?

Yet another piece of her heart gone,

Yet another dream crushed,

Yet another tear falls.

How can she live like this?

How can she keep her head up

When her heart is so full of holes?

The long lonely nights laugh at her.

The bright new cuts taunt her.

Blood runs down her arms

The warm liquid somewhat comforting,

Reminding her she still lives.

She still breathes.

Her heart still beats.

With one last shuddering breath,

She stands up once again.

Holding her head up high,

With a new reason to go on,

She is alive.

Mental Breakdown...

2011-06-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

   Have you ever had one of those times when there was something you really wanted to say but you didn’t know how to do it? I’m going through one of those times now.
   My mind is going crazy with all sorts of thoughts about life but I don’t know how to say them. I can’t mold my thoughts into words. If I could, I promise I could have a best selling novel.
   I think I have ADD but my mom says there is no such thing. I don’t want pills for it but I am pretty sure I have it. I just want to be tested. That’s all. But no. My mom believes that ADD is just something people made up so that spastic people weren’t judged as harshly. I don’t care. I still want to be tested for it.
   I also want to go to a therapist. I have some serious mental issues and I want to talk them out with someone. The only problem is that it has to be with someone that I don’t know. I can’t talk to people I know. It weirds me out. But I can spill everything to a complete stranger.
   Maybe that’s why I like to write. When I write I never know who is going to read it so I don’t hold back. But I still can’t seem to write a novel. It irritates me to death too. I really wish I could write like that. Stupid mental issues. Urg.
   See, I’m so off topic right now. I was trying to tell you that I can’t say what I want to. There is someone that I really like and I want to tell him how I feel but I can’t. I don’t want to tell him I love him because love is such a stupid word… but I can’t think of any other way to say it.
   Love is a word that is thrown out way too much. People use it just to get what they want and lie about it all the time. I don’t want to do that but I really like this guy. He makes my world go round. I think of him all the time and I love being around him. He’s funny and like me in nearly every way… but I don’t know how to tell him that without saying those nasty three words.
   I’m a complicated person. I can’t do this. I really need a therapist.

Music for the Soul

2011-06-02T08:16:00.001-07:00

Nowadays, the popular music seems to be rap. It’s the “in” thing. All I ever hear on the radio is how this girl was dancing in a club or how someone thinks they’re oh-so-hot. As Bowling for Soup once said, “same song, different chorus.”

Most people don’t know what music is capable of, what it was meant for. All people want is money and fame and the music industry has made such things fairly easy to get. People don’t even need any kind of musical talent anymore thanks to synthesizers. Good looks and friends in high places can get a person to the top.

In my opinion, music should be used to express hidden feelings and meanings in everyday life. It should really mean something to be a musician, to have that much raw creativity and emotion. Musical artists should write their own songs, not have their recording company write for them.

For years, mothers have sung their children to sleep without knowing the reasons behind why it calms their whirling minds. Music is the key to the unconscious, a passageway into our inmost desires, fears, delights, a door into the imagination. It can spur new emotions, give us renewed courage and motivation.

Different types of music, beats, rhythms and melodies affect our brains in different ways. They also create unique emotional feelings in each individual. Music leaves an imprint on your mind that is not easily erased. That's why so many of the radio and television commercials use music or "jingles" to get us to remember their particular products.

An impassioned guitar solo can send your heart racing. A haunting voice can shoot chills down your spine. Singing releases endorphins that kill pain (whether it’s on or off key). Students who study music in school have higher grade point averages than those who don’t. Music has an unexplainable affect on people. Even Napoleon understood the power of music. He summed it up with “give me control over he who shapes the music of a nation and I care not who makes the laws.”

So... Why does this matter? If music has this much influence over feeling, use it to your advantage. Play Mozart to help you focus on studying for an upcoming presentation or project. Play some rock before you hit the starting blocks. Set the mood for your date. Music brings meaning to life, magic to the mediocre, a sense of being alive and loved that no circumstance can take away.

Next time you listen to the radio and you hear one of your favorite songs, think about the message behind the music. Think about what the song makes you want to do. Think about what our generation is coming to if that’s what we’re growing up with. Think about what the next generation is going to listening to.

When I grow up and have children, I will make sure they are exposed to the best of the best when it comes to music. Even oldies that my parents and even grandparents listened to. The Beatles, The Eagles, The Kinks, The Kooks… a lot of bands starting with “the.” They are the best though. The point is that my children will not grow up on music about sex, drugs, alcohol, and how they are “the best things in the world.” I also believe that none of yours should either. Think about it.